Saturday, November 6, 2010

Kim Jong Il, 10 Facts

Kim Jong Il drinks Hennessy 300x210 Kim Jong Il, 10 FactsKing Jong-il, the powerful, speech impediment speaker (as described in “Team America” anyways) has some impressive, if not insane facts going for him. North Korea loves to endorse this guy (as does any biased, dictatorship managed media) but we’ll let you be the judge if these facts are indeed facts.

According to North Korean historical literature, Kim Jong-il was born in a log cabin inside a secret base on Korea’s most sacred mountain, Mt. Paekdu. At the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky, the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring, and rainbows appeared. This contradicts way less interesting Western accounts of his birth, which state the dictator was born in a guerrilla camp in Russia, while his father was on the run from the Japanese.
Fashion Trendsetter
According to North Korea’s newspaper Rodong Sinmun, Kim Jong-il’s iconic style has become what some describe as a global phenomenon. His zipped up khaki tunics with matching pants are his trademark, as are the oversized shades that are a hit with Paris Hilton and other Hollywood whores.
World Loves Him
According to state-run media, Kimg Jong-il is the most prominent statesman in the present world. The media also cites, without a hint of a smirk, that people in other countries celebrate his birthday with films and festivals. Which reminds me, are you heading to Jong-Fest this year?
Inventor of the Hamburger
American influences may be banned from the communist country, but that new sandwich called “double bread with meat” does indeed look a lot like a hamburger. Jong-il is an innovator as well as a social activist. The leader provides “quality” food to university students and teachers, while the majority of his citizens battle famine on a daily basis. Classy.
Better than Woods
In 1994, it was reported by Pyongyang media outlets that Kim Jong-il shot 38 under par (including five holes in one) on a regulation 18-hole golf course. You don’t have to be a golf expert to sniff out the B.S. in this story, as Kim Jong-il’s score was only 25 shots better than the best round in the history of the sport. Oh, yeah, and it was also the first time he ever played.
According to a book written by one of Kim Jong-il’s ex-staff members, the dictator was once injured by falling off his horse when it slipped on loose rocks. Jong-il was afraid of becoming addicted to the painkillers that his doctors prescribed him, so he had members of his administrative staff injected daily with the same dosages he had to take. Trippy!
Director Kidnapper
Kim Jong-il once kidnapped a prominent director to film a Godzilla ripoff. Shin Sang-ok, a South Korean filmmaker, was kidnapped, sent to prison, and eventually forced to make a film called Pulgasari that was basically a communist propaganda version of Godzilla. Kim Jong-il has since given specific instruction to his Ministry of Culture and his communist filmmakers: “Make more cartoons.”
“Removal of the Weak”
In preparation for the World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim Jong-il ordered disabled residents to be removed from Pyongyang. The government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug that would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were sent away to different uninhabited islands along with the disabled in an attempt to rid the next generation of their supposedly substandard genes.
Aspiring Rapper
At one time, Jong-il was the world’s biggest buyer of Hennessy. For a few years in the early 1990s, it was confirmed by Hennessy that Kim Jong Il was it’s best customer, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on the liquor.
The Illusionary City
Kijong-Dong is a propaganda city that was originally built in the 1950s by Kim Jong-il’s father right on the border, this was to display the North’s superiority to the South and also to encourage people to defect. The city has no actual residents, but an extensive effort has been put forth to simulate a functioning city - including lights on set timers and street sweepers to create an illusion of activity.


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